I briefly considered making a list of deaths of the past decade ranked by the fucks I give, but I ain’t got time for that. Instead, I’ll stick with ranking the significant deaths of just 2019. My method is highly controlled and asks a simple question. Did I give a fuck about this person’s life and contributions to my life? I gotta say, after reviewing those who passed this past year, we made it out of 2019 relatively unscathed. However, I did manage to come up with a list of 25 notable deaths that warrant being on my countdown list.
25. Eddie Money, 70
March 21, 1949 – September 13, 2019
Who sings that song?
I’m quite surprised how little fucks I gave about the music artists who died this year. Some years my whole top ten are beloved musicians. Mr. Edward Joseph Mahoney AKA Eddie Money, barely made my list. I have to recognize the man who brought us some of our favorite hits of the 70s and 80s. May the good Lord take him home tonight by getting him two tickets to paradise. Baby hold on to me…this list has no where to go but up.
24. Dick Dale, 81
May 4, 1937 – March 16, 2019
Hoh! Hah! Haaa!
Many people may give more fucks about Eddie Money than Dick Dale, but not me, I love Dick Dale and all things surfing. Don’t know who Dick Dale is? Yes you do. He’s the guy that has all the token guitar riffs that make you feel like you’re dropping in on a big wave… or you know, the guy who did that song in Pulp Fiction. I guess my point is, its not the quantity of great songs made in a lifetime, but its the quality. You don’t often find a song with no lyrics that you want to sing along to.
23. Beth Chapman, 51
October 29, 1967 – June 26, 2019
The leather is real, the hair, nails and boobs are not.
I try not to give any fucks about reality TV stars, but the reality is, is that they have snuck into my life. Mr. and Mrs. Dog the Bounty Hunter were a fascinating duo. Beth was probably the real star. Dog would be in jail if it weren’t for her. Just one look at them and you know they mean business. And if you know their business, you know to run the other way if you see these bad ass mother fuckers coming your way. Maybe Dog’s sixth wife will be the one who stands the test of time.
22. Mary Duggar, 78
May 26, 1941 – June 9, 2019
A grandma’s love is unconditional
Mary Duggar had two children of her own. Her daughter went on to have one normal child named Amy. And her son went on to have 19 weird children named something starting with “J”. What fork in the road did Jim Bob take to start living this hyper religious life style? Some people keep up with the Kardasians, I keep up with the Duggars. They’re a fucking weird family, and I can’t look away. Weirder yet, the family matriarch died by accidental drowning. Nearly fifty people in her family, and not a single lifeguard on duty at the family pool.
21. Denise Nickerson, 62
April 1, 1957 – July 10, 2019
Violet! You’re turning violet, Violet!!
I mean, I probably should give less fucks about Denise Nickerson, but she plays one of my favorite roles in a movie. Did I say roles? I meant roll. She does my favorite roll in a movie. Don’t you just love when Violet Beauregarde finally gets whats coming to her when she snags that gum from Willy Wonka? Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da, given good manners, you will go far.
20. Bob Einstein, 76
November 20, 1942 – January 2, 2019
Your father’s surrogate
Bob Einstein, not to be confused with Jeff Epstein…more on him later. There were a lot of B list celebrities that I didn’t give enough fucks about to add them to this list. But Bob Einstein makes the cut with his hysterical straight faced roles. My favorite was when he played Larry Middleman in Arrested Development. If you haven’t seen that show – stop what your doing – finish this list, and then start binging on Arrested Development ASAP. I can’t start to explain why I love him and his reoccurring role.
19. Rip Torn, 88
February 6, 1931 – July 10, 2019
Galaxy Defenders
Wait, Rip Torn can’t be his real name. **Googles Rip Torn** Nope Elmore Rual Torn Jr. son of Tiger Torn. This fucker was destined to play the token bad ass with a name like that. I personally liked him best in Men in Black II. But you know him from that other movie too or that sitcom he did. You know the one, what’s it called? He’s one of those “Where do I know him from?” actors.
18. Shelley Morrison, 83
October 26, 1936 – December 1, 2019
When you’re cleaning lady becomes your friend
Some B list celebrities’ careers are marked by many small roles. Others are marked by one role, so well played, that you can’t think of them as anything other then their well played character. Shelley Morrison got the role of a fucking lifetime. Rosario Salazar was probably my favorite character on Will and Grace. She took none of Karen Walker’s bull shit which is at the root of any good friendship. The comeback of the sitcom just isn’t the same without her in the cast.
17. Chris March, 56
February 25, 1963 – September 5, 2019
March-ing to his own Beat
God, how good was season 4 of Project Runway? Chris March was a winner with me every week. So was the actual winner, Christian Siriano, and he’s now the new Tim Gunn. No wonder Chris March didn’t make the cut. Anyway, his avant garde style was too much even for Bravo. Can you tell how much I fucking love Project Runway? Its my favorite reality show. And Chris March was one of my favorite contestants. Auf Wiedersehen.
16. Karl Lagerfield, 85
September 10, 1933 – February 20, 2019
Creative Direction
A lot of people don’t realize how much I appreciate the fashion industry. I’m not a high fashion kind of person. But I really love that it is one of the few industries run by women and for women, and has has been that way for many many decades. I give a lot more fucks about someone like Anna Wintour than I do Karl Lagerfield. I probably give more fucks about Chris March than Karl. He’s no Coco Chanel, but he was an important figure in fashion. In fact, the creative direction that he took Chanel crosses into tacky in my opinion, but there is no denying the ubiquity of the brand. Auf Wiedersehen.
15. Peter Mayhew, 74
May 19, 1944 – April 30, 2019
“Rawrgwahggrwhaaaa”
The same people who don’t realize I love the fashion industry, probably also assume that I love the Star Wars industry. I don’t. Never seen a Star War. But I did see Spaceballs, so sorta like seeing all the wars, right? Anyway, I sorta give a fuck that Chewbacca died, I mean the original actor died. Disney will never let Chewbacca die, right? I don’t know I haven’t seen the movies. I assume CGI will keep him going.
14. Russi Taylor, 75
May 4, 1944 – July 26, 2019
Mishka Mushka
On to my next death of a famous voice. Russi Taylor is most famous for being the most recent voice of Minnie Mouse. That and every other one of my childhood cartoons. I gotta give a fuck about that. Gonzo in Muppet Babies, Pebbles Flintstone, the Duck triplets in Ducktales, My Little Pony, and even Strawberry Shortcake. Someone once said I have the voice of a cartoon character. Maybe Russi’s death has left an opening for me??
13. Caroll Spinney, 85
December 26, 1933 – December 8, 2019
The happiest and grumpiest characters on the street
From a lady who played all my favorite cartoon characters, to the man who played my two favorite Muppets. Caroll Spinney played Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch since their inception and only retired last year. It’s no wonder Oscar is such a fucking mess, he’s had this guy’s hand up his ass for 50 years. Aren’t we all Oscar and Big Bird to some degree? Caroll mastered being both.
12. Tardar Sauce, 7
April 4, 2002 – May 14, 2019
Lived the first 8 lives to the fullest
Grumpy Cat made quite a name for herself in her short life. She is by far the youngest death to make the list. Who knew that cats could die from a UTI? Maybe its a cover up and she needed some time out of the spotlight. I find it really fucking hard to believe that she lived all 9 of her lives in only 7 years. But she’ll never really die, Grumpy Cat is the ultimate meme. People will still be using her image for as long as memes are still a thing.
11. Jeffrey Epstein, 66
January 20, 1953 – August 10, 2019
Cringe
On to my next meme. Did Jeff Epstein kill himself or not? Who even gives a fuck about this mother fucker? Well I guess I do since he almost made it onto my top ten deaths of the year. But seriously, stop talking about him already. He was obviously a sexual predator regardless of what crimes he bought his way out of. Mr. Trump put it best back in 2002 when he said, “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.” He’s where he belongs now. Good riddance.
10. Ross Perot, 89
June 27, 1930 – July 9, 2019
90s Rewind
Remember back in the day when we could make fun of a billionaire running for president, and it wouldn’t get him elected to office? God, those were the days. Could you imagine if he did his thing now? He might have won in this political climate. Actually I was a child when this all went down and most of what I know about Ross Perot I learned from Dana Carvey on SNL. What the fuck do I know?
9. David Koch, 79
May 3, 1940 – August 23, 2019
Koch Gobbler
David Fucking Koch. Just to be clear, this list is not a ranking of my favorite notables. But I give a huge fuck about the Koch Brothers. I’m fucking glad this guy is gone. But unfortunately, the damage is already done. He and his brother Charles have set in motion and financed the the chaos that our government has become. And even after his death, his wealth and organizations will continue to funnel money into conservative and libertarian interests. And that really fucking sucks for a liberal like me.
8. Carol Channing, 97
January 31, 1921 – January 15, 2019
You’re looking Swell, Dolly
OK, OK, enough with the fucking one-percenters and on to people that we should really give a fuck about. Some actors work a lifetime and are barely recognized, others become living legends. I gotta say, I don’t really follow musicals, or know actresses from the 50s and 60s, but I sure as shit know who Carol Channing is. Great, now Hello Dolly! is stuck in my head. Dolly’ll never go away, Dolly’ll never go away, Dolly’ll never go away again.
7. Doris Day, 97
April 3, 1922 – May 13, 2019
The future’s not ours to see
Like I said early on, we got out of 2019 relatively unscathed. I can’t believe a couple of 97-year olds are so high on my list. Like of course Doris Day died, I’m more fucking surprised that she was still alive. I guess she made it up here because I just love the song Que Sera Sera and say it to myself all the time when a situation is outside of my control. Whatever will be, will be.
6. David Montgomery, 72
June 26, 1946 – May 8, 2019
Phillies Patriarch
Remember a few years back when we were hit with three big deaths in the Phillies Phamily? Well this year we escape with losing just one. But it was a fucking big one. The President and CEO of my favorite sport organization. My baseball passion is rooted from my Poppop who worked for the Phils when I was a kid. Much like Dave Montgomery, my Poppop rose through the ranks from the ticket office to the front office. As the family stories go, he was a good friend of Dave. Mr. Montgomery was the last vestige of the front office that my family Phillies stories are made of. He will be missed.
5. Luke Perry, 52
October 11, 1966 – March 4, 2019
Swoon
How is Luke Perry the only A list TV star who died last year? Well at least A list in my book. I must have forgotten someone. Anyway, was I too young to watch 90210? Yes. Did I love the badass Dylan McKay anyway? Hell yes. Me and every other 90s girl. Maybe Brandon was more your speed, but for me, Dylan was why I watched 90210. God, he was so fucking hot. Gone too soon.
4. Woodie Flowers, 75
November 18, 1943 – October 11, 2019
My dad and Woodie at the Philadelphia Competition in 2002
A great man was lost this year. I dare not use the f-word when describing such a wholesome man. Woody Flowers was a brilliant Mechanical Engineer, MIT professor, and most importantly, co-founder of FIRST Robotics. (Not to mention, the way cooler founder. God, Dean Kamen is such a dweeb.) Before STEM was all the rage, there was FIRST. For the Inspiration and Recognition of Science and Technology. FIRST can be credited for why my interests in engineering didn’t wane during the fragile years of being a teenage girl. Woody’s gracious professionalism will forever impact the millions of people FIRST inspires. Those who know, know.
3. Cokie Roberts, 75
December 27, 1943 – September 17, 2019
NPR Founding Mother
I give a huge fuck that Cokie Roberts died. As I would for any trailblazing woman who shattered the glass ceiling of her industry. She made a voice in a traditionally male dominated industry that was Washington reporting. The future is female thanks to women like Cokie.
2. Elijah Cummings, 68
January 18, 1951 – October 17, 2019
Rising from the dust of his sharecropper parents, Elijah Cummings dedicated his life to representing the people he served. His 23 years in congress culminated by leading the impeachment inquiry against our fucking asshole of a president. Something liberals have been desperately wanting to happen for two years now. In other news, the longest serving congressman, John Dingle, also died this year at the age of 92. I gave so few fucks about his achievements that he didn’t even make my list. Why? Because, term limits.
1. All the Victims of Gun Violence
January 1, 2019 – December 31, 2019
What the actual fuck?
Of all the notable deaths this year, I give the biggest fuck about all the victims of gun violence. Most especially, innocent children, women stuck in abusive relationships, and those terrorized during a mass shooting. I’m heartbroken that school age children know what to do during a lock down/active shooter drill. When a wife beater has access to a gun, he is 5 times more likely to murder his victim than an abuser without a gun. And when are we going to start treating mass shootings as terrorist acts? There were 435 mass shootings this year resulting in 517 deaths and 1,648 injuries. That’s more than one a day. And for those who don’t get shot, they certainly don’t leave the scene unscathed. Twenty years after Columbine dominated our newscasts, and school shootings are barely even a blip on our news feeds. Seriously, what the fuck?
The Spiraling Mind of MP 